Valentine's Day: BakeOff
by Amiiix3
Summary: The Cullen family and Bella sit around, bored one Valentine's Day, when an idea finds its way into their midst. A Valentine's Day Bakeoff! Each member of the family attempts to retain their human cooking abilities in order to win the competition. R
1. An Idea

**A/N: This was supposed to go up yesterday, but there was a snowstorm and my power went out...nuff' said. **

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It was Valentine's Day in Forks and the Cullen family- and Bella, was sitting around the warm fireplace smiling at each other. 

After a few minutes of random stalker smiles and large clown grins, the Cullens- and Bella, decided they needed to do something.

"You know…" Jasper started thoughtfully, feeling an intensified boredom course through him.

"Actually, I don't, care to enlighten us?" Edward snapped in his state of extreme boredness.

"Hush." Bella poked her vampire sweetheart between the ribs, wincing when her finger ended up on the short end. "Go ahead Jasper."

"Well, I was thinking-" Jasper began again, his eyes beginning to glitter happily.

"Really, now? I didn't know you could do that." Emmett chuckled, looking around as if he expected praise for this witty remark.

Jasper opened his mouth to retort when everyone simply blinked their emotionless bored eyes at Emmett, but he was once again interrupted; this time by his overly excited beau.

"I think we should do something for the family to show our Valentine's Day appreciation!" Alice clapped, bouncing in her seat.

The family's flat expressions brightened considerably and their mouths curved upwards as they exchanged excited expressions.

"I was going to say that." Jasper muttered sullenly, to which he received no response as the vampires- and Bella, had begun to discuss their plans.

After much poking and prodding and a few scuffs and skirmishes here and there, the family- and Bella, came to the conclusion that they should have a…

**Valentine's Day Bake-Off!!!**

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**A/N: I need at least 10- no I'll make it 6- reviews before the next chapter! **


	2. THE Hat

**A/N: Here, is ze' next chapter. I'd loved to have started the baking in this one, but there's always the conflict that makes a good story...and the giant top hats; ya know. **

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"We should split into teams." Alice stated, her enthusiasm causing her to roll up and down on the balls of her feet. 

As soon as the high soprano words left her mouth there were a few almost invisible white flashes and a second later the room had been rearranged so that everyone was sitting with their team.

Bella had frozen with a confused expression on her face.

She observed the room at large, wondering what had just taken place.

Alice was now bouncing in her seat on the window sill with Jasper trying to calm her from his seat beside her knees on the floor.

Rosalie sat on the couch with her head held high and her arms crossed triumphantly over her chest. She had her nose tilted in the air at an angle, away from Emmett.

He cowered on the other side of the couch whimpering and hunched over looking upset.

"Please, Rose? Don't you want to be on my team?!" Emmett asked desperately, giving her an irresistible pout that would break anyone's heart.

Rosalie merely shook her head, "I haven't forgotten last time." She said condescendingly and shifted in her seat so that her back was to him.

Emmett slumped and scowled.

Esme stood beside the wall next to the couch Emmett and Rose were occupying, while Carlisle was seated with a blank expression on a single chair in the room.

"Wouldn't you prefer my team, Esme?" Carlisle asked his wife.

She shook her head, "I'm a champion baker, you'll have to work by yourself." She said proudly.

Edward was, of course, beside Bella. He looked quite happy with this arrangement, and sat up ever straighter whenever he received a jealous glare from the other vampires who had lost their sense of human cooking.

"Now what?" Emmett asked after they sat around for another long while simply smiling crazily.

Everyone looked at each other trying to figure out where to go from there.

"Let's start cooking!" Alice hopped up and was about to rush to the kitchen when Bella pointed out something important and overlooked.

"Don't you only have one oven? And don't we have…" She counted for a moment, "…six teams? I think we should have a judge too, just to make it fun."

Alice's happy grin slipped off her face like pudding. "Oh."

Jasper spoke up, trying to comfort his wife, "We could take turns."

Alice smiled sweetly at her husband, "Good idea, Jazz."

Emmett snickered, but was silenced quickly by a kick from Rosalie.

"Bella can judge." Rosalie said happily, but with a wicked grin.

The other vampires nodded their agreement.

"What?!?!" Edward cried unhappily, though. He looked outraged. "That's not fair! Carlisle should judge, he's the least biased!"

"Carlisle can't taste the food Edward." Bella reminded him.

Edward looked upset. It was more out of the fact that now he had no advantage over the others than that he had just lost his girlfriend from his team.

Alice clapped her hands. "I want to go first!" she called out, hastening to get to the kitchen.

"Hey, I wanted to go first!" Emmett cried, crossing his arms and pouting like a little child.

"It's only fair, children, that I go first. I am, of course, clearly the most experienced cook." Esme pointed out proudly.

There was a buzzing of noises that now filled the living room while three couples argued over who would cook their Valentine's Day goodies first.

Bella looked between the arguing vampires, trying to read their quickly vibrating lips, and Edward scowled in the corner; still angry.

Minutes later, Carlisle stood up and put his hands flat out like a traffic conductor.

The talking ceased.

"I believe it is only fair if we do this in a calm and mature manner." Carlisle suggested- "Emmett, get the hat."

Four pairs of eyes were glued to his face in shock, the beautiful creatures of the night with their generous lips parted in surprise could do nothing but stare.

Bella looked on- confused, and a wicked grin spread across Emmett's face.

He placed the tips of his fingers together and his eyes shifted from side to side. "Brilliant."

Then Emmett was gone, and the room was quiet as the vampires frozen in shock had yet to recover.

"The h-h-hat?" Rosalie whispered. It carried on a cold breath, floating around the room like a haunting. Her face was paler than usual, even.

Carlisle nodded, looking grave. Edward, Alice, Rosalie, and Esme's expressions now mirrored his.

"_What _is The Hat?" Bella cocked her head to one side, and her brows furrowed.

"We do not speak of The Hat." Alice said monotonously.

Bella stared at the vampires, who stared at the floor, which had no eyes and was sadly unable to stare at anything.

Suddenly, Emmett was standing before them holding a large black top hat. It was as tall as him, and much wider. He had his arms wrapped around it, and they didn't fit all the way.

"_That_ is the hat?" Bella's lips twitched as she fought back a smile.

"Yes." Jasper hissed.

Everyone turned to him. "Where have you been?!" they all asked simultaneously.

Jasper looked at them like they were the crazy ones who had just popped back into existence. "The author forgot about me."

**Author Note** _I didn't forget about Jasper…he was just uhhhh, he just umm…he had to use the restroom. Right, that's it. Jasper's got a small bladder. Sorry, Jazz._

All the vampires- and Bella, clucked their tongues sympathetically and then turned back to the large top hat. Emmett had disappeared!

"Emmett!" Rosalie gasped, running over to the hat and searching around it. "He's gone!" she wailed, throwing her arms into the air hopelessly.

"It's okay, Rose." Jasper said, giving her a consoling shoulder-pat and spreading a calm throughout the room. "You know how the hat likes to play its tricks. Remember when Carlisle was taken? And even Esme."

"Yes, Rosalie…" Alice walked over as well, giving Rosalie a light hug, "All we need to do is make the hat an offering."

"An of-of-offering?" Bella asked, shivering.

Edward pulled her close, "Don't worry, love, you're safe."

Carlisle pulled a sheet of paper from his shirt pocket and Esme pulled a pen from hers. She handed it to her husband and everyone gathered, watching wordlessly as he pulled the cap off with a _click_.

Time seemed to slow as Carlisle's pen moved like a turtle toward the sheet of paper. It landed with its tip, making a small black dot on the snow white sheet.

Words began to form.

E- M- M- E- T- T////// R- O- S- A- L- I- E////// A- L- I- C- E/////// J- A- S- P- E- R

C- A- R- L- I- S- L- E //////E- S- M- E //////E- D- W- A- R- D

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**A/N: Yea...before...I totally forgot about Jasper. But shhhh...don't tell him. He might hate me, and I've been trying to set him up with a friend of mine: Ms. Silly Willy! **

**The next chapter shan't go up if you don't give me REVIEWS REVIEWS REVIEWS!!! I need at least 10 for the next one to be up..but you never know with me, I'm a softie if you suck up -smiley face-**


	3. Order

**A/N: Yaay, yaay! Tis' another chapter for you. **

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"What are you doing?" Bella asked as the silence grew deafening.

After Carlisle had written all their names on the sheet of paper, he had set down the pen and proceeded to fold it. He was now licking the creases and folding them back and front, front and back, side to side, diagonal, vertical, horizontal…it was all quite calming to watch, but very boring indeed.

Bella cleared her throat when she received no answer from the hypnotized vampires.

Still no answer.

She let out a loud cough which caused her throat to become rough and scratchy and made her really start coughing, and it soon turned into a full blown hack session.

Through her tear-filled eyes she saw the vampires trying to remain calm, their eyes still fixed on the sheet of paper which Carlisle was now tearing, but Alice winced and then Jasper was behind her thumping Bella on the back.

Unfortunately, he thumped a little too hard and Bella went sprawling across the table.

Edward was there in a second, holding her gently against him and inching away slowly from the black top hat which she was a mere centimeter from touching.

"Are you all right, Bella? I didn't mean to hit you that hard." Jasper apologized sheepishly.

Bella waved her hand dismissively, the other rubbing her sore throat, "Quite all right Jasper, no harm done."

Alice gave her a glass of water which she chugged gratefully and then Carlisle stood up, seven strips of paper in his hand. "Is everyone ready, then?" he asked, looking around at them authoritatively.

The vampires- and Bella, nodded. The vampires were grim and anxious- in a bad way; while Bella was merely curious and confused.

She stood up beside a very tense Edward as they watched Carlisle approach the large black top hat. It seemed to grow larger and Carlisle looked so small against it.

Bella shuddered as she thought how easily the hat could take Carlisle as well, just as it had taken bear-like Emmett in a matter of seconds.

Carlisle reached the hat, and spun it around (trying not to touch it) so that the hat's wide mouth-like brim was facing toward the ceiling and the heavens above.

He then reached over a tentative arm and sprinkled the papers inside the hollow top hat. They fluttered lower and lower into the darkness inside, until the vampires and Bella could no longer see them.

There was an elongated silence that stretched on for what seemed like forever.

Bella cleared her throat again, intent on getting an explanation. "What was that? Why did you just feed that hat a bunch of papers with our names on them? Why did the hat eat Emmett? Why do you have a giant hat? What is the point of having a man-eating hat?!"

She said all this in one breath and then sucked a large on in as she waited impatiently for her answers.

There was more silence as all the vampires- excluding Emmett of course- stared at her strangely, as if she were missing a large point.

"How else would we be able to choose who goes first in games?" Alice pointed out as if it were obvious.

"Why don't you use a _normal_ NOT man-eating hat?" Bella raised her eyebrows.

The vampires exchanged looks with each other until they were all wearing the same politely confused expression.

"I never thought of that…" Esme whispered. The others nodded their consent with the statement.

"It is certainly not just a normal hat, Bella." Carlisle spoke up, looking uncharacteristically impatient.

"What do you mean?" Bella asked, turning her sharp eyes on him.

"The hat is unbiased. This hat is special. I got it as a gift from a werewolf hunter. It has an ancient magic. But we shan't dwell on it. It isn't good for the mind, nor the soul. Let us just realize that the hat is certainly not like any other and losing a family member is a small price to pay for such strong magic." Carlisle nodded at everyone, holding their eyes.

The message was simple: The hat would not be spoken of again.

There was another silence, this one shorter fore it was interrupted by the gurgling noises emitting from the hat.

The vampires- and Bella, spun around to stare at the hat, which was started to shake this way and that. It vibrated violently, moving the ground upon which they stood.

Bella grabbed Edward's arm, unsure of what was about to occur. He let out a small chuckle, but his face was tense as they watched the hat fold in upon itself.

It looked coiled and ready to spring.

3…2…1…

A loud boom erupted as the hat bounced up and an Emmett popped out.

Rosalie let out a shriek and ran at him, pinning him against the wall and smothering him with kisses.

"Wow," Emmett breathed when they finally broke apart, "I should get eaten by giant hats more often."

Everyone smiled and welcomed Emmett back.

"Would you please show us your back now, Emmett?" Carlisle asked.

Bella thought it was a very strange thing to say to someone, but then as she thought of her life since she moved to Forks, it seemed fairly reasonable.

Emmett turned around, and Bella saw that there was a row of paper strips stuck to his back.

It was in this order:

ESME

JASPER

ROSALIE

EMMETT

ALICE

CARLISLE

EDWARD

"Hey!" Bella said indignantly, pointing at Emmett's back, "Why am I not on there?!"

"Because _you_ are _judge-ing; judging._" Edward answered slowly, taking her hands.

"OoOoOh." Bella laughed sheepishly.

"The order has been confirmed. Emmett, take **THE** _HAT_ back." Carlisle ordered, looking grim.

Emmett nodded, his eyes wide, and he disappeared behind the hat again, this time hauling it up the stairs to the attic.

Everyone stood around quietly for a while. Bella hummed the Barney theme song until Alice jabbed her in between her rib cage.

Finally, Emmett returned and the whole family- and Bella, looked expectantly at Carlisle.

"Emmett turn around once more, please." Emmett turned, "Yes…" Carlisle started, memorizing the list, "Esme will be first. Bella is judging, as we have previously established… Begin!"

After his final word there was a rush as Esme sprinted from the room. The air stirred violently behind her.

A few minutes later, they heard a yell from the kitchen. "Come in!" Esme called.

Bella pulled in a choked breath as she stared around her. The sight was devilish, dastardly, distressing, and…simply terrifying all in one.

The thought that kind, sweet Esme could have done this was beyond them as they looked on in horror…

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**A/N: Yea! Now we're getting to the good part, am I right? am I right? I'm right! **

**Okay, I'll stop now. Heh, heh, too much maple syrup on my waffles. 10 more reviews! Just TEN for another update!!! REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!!!**


	4. Esme, Jasper, and Rosalie

**A/N: Sooo sorry for the delay! I was going to put this up DAYS ago, but my computer was being all ick. And today was a really eye-opening ego-deflating day. Urgh. Aah, well, we can't all be good at everything, no matter how much we think we are. Especially when we're frozen from the shoulder down. **

**Anyway, there's a whole Mob scene in her just for my lovely reviewers -kisses- **

**And the next chapter is almost done, and I like it... I hope you like it. Okay, I won't hold you up anymore: **

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"E-Esme, what have you done?!" Rosalie choked, looking fearful for the first time since Bella had met her.

Esme smiled at them condescendingly, looking around at the batter-splattered walls and the flour that covered every inch of the floor. There were misshapen cupcake and cookie trays littering the once spotless floor, and a blazing fire in the background could only be what had been a toaster.

Esme saw Bella eyeing the burning toaster and smiled at her warmly before she pulled a fire extinguisher from who knows where and sprayed at the flames viciously.

Carlisle recovered from his shock first and coughed quietly, hiding a smile. "Well, Esme, I see you retained your cooking skills from your human life."

The Cullen family- and Bella burst into fits of fake coughing, all hiding smiles behind their hacks.

"Bella, go ahead." Esme said, shoving a large yellow blob into Bella's mouth.

It was mushy, undercooked, and covered with green _icing_ which actually turned out to be blended broccoli.

Edward watched his girlfriend apprehensively as her face turned a pale shade of green and she clutched at her stomach, finally pushing the disgusting treat down her throat and pulling in a few breaths.

Esme's smile faded and she looked quite sad. Bella attempted to smile, trying to make it seem as if she had enjoyed the treat, but she failed miserably and ended up with a grimace as another wave of nausea crashed over her.

"I'm sorry Esme, I suppose I _am_ a picky eater, you know?"

Esme nodded sullenly before she glided, with slumped shoulders, from the kitchen, her mixing spoon hanging limply in one hand.

Another short silence later, Jasper stood up tall. "So, my turn right? Don't worry Bella, you'll love what I have planned." He smiled mischievously and Bella blanched.

"Now, now, no need to be worried. I'd say that _I_ am a master chef. I had to find a way to cook all those rats when we were abandoned during the war, didn't I? Now out, Shoo!" Jasper waved a hand at them, dismissive, as he turned around and began to shuffle around the kitchen.

The Cullens- and Bella, minus Esme & Jasper, walked back into the living room where they saw their loving mother figure.

Esme glowered at them all from her hermit corner.

"Really, Esme," Rosalie started haughtily as they entered the room, "I thought you said you could cook. Bella looked about ready to hack that green thing back up at you."

Everyone turned fearfully to look at Esme who was gritting her teeth in irritation. "It's all Martha Stuart's fault!!!" she finally growled.

Eyebrows furrowed simultaneously.

"I got the recipe from her television show. Darn Martha Stuart!" Esme finished just as Jasper yelled for them to come in.

Bella hesitated, frightened at what she was going to find. Edward gave her a little nudge, but she refused to budge.

He ended up half carrying, half dragging her to the kitchen.

They all gaped in momentary surprise. The messy Esme kitchen was now absolutely spotless! The steel counters gleamed and the floor sparkled. The citrus tang of disinfectant and melted chocolate reached their nostrils.

Bella let out a small moan of relief and her stomach grumbled loudly.

"Shh…" she said, patting the hungry beast. She ran to the counter in the middle of the kitchen and the smell grew stronger.

There was a hint of vanilla and some unidentifiable smell. But before she could reach the counter, she ran into Jasper.

"Whoa, whoa!" he cried, holding her back from the delicious chocolate heart shaped muffins sitting in the middle of the kitchen. "Where's the fire?!?!"

"Fire!" Esme cried, pulling out her fire extinguisher from who-knows-where again and brandishing it.

"Esme, there's no fire, dear." Carlisle said, placing a comforting hand on her arm.

She blinked confusedly, but the fire extinguisher disappeared.

Jasper grinned wickedly. "This is my creation!" he called to the heavens above and then handed Bella one of the scrumptious muffins.

She let out a squeal of delight as her stomach grumbled again, and stuffed it in her mouth.

_Chew, chew, chew_, "Mmmmm…theef awe weewee goul." _Chew, chew, chew,_ "Fou crunfy!" _Chew, crunch, chew, swallow,_ "Delicious! What did you put in there Jasper?"

Jasper gave her a proud smile and looked mockingly at Esme before responding. "Well, there were some eggs, flour, a little milk, some vanilla extract, chocolate chips…oh and Escargot!"

Bella's face turned green and Edward rushed over to grab her as she swayed on the spot.

"Escargot?!?!?!" she cried, placing a hand on her stomach and one on her mouth as she felt the muffins rushing back the other way.

Jasper pouted, "We used to eat them all the time in the army! Well, I used to watch the people eat them, but it was the same thing! I thought you would enjoy them and it's an easy way to get rid of all those little snails in pantry!!!"

He cried defensively.

Alice let out a little giggle and Edward turned to glare at her.

"Oh, Jazz, you're so silly." She cooed, dancing over to give him a small peck on the cheek.

Bella moaned, "You lose Jasper. YOU LOOOOOOOSEE!!!!" she cried as she ran to the rarely used bathroom down the hall.

"Wait Bella, come back!" Edward cried, running after her.

Jasper blinked in shock, his eyes slowly turning black and his jaw muscles tightening. "Yes, Bella, come back so I can…BITE YOU! I BITE YEEWWWWW!"

He flapped his arms in the RainxxChimes mating dance and let out a "Ca-Cawww. Ca-Cawww." Before he ran after Edward and Bella.

A COUPLE CAT SCREECHES LATER

Edward, Bella, and Jasper returned, all in one piece.

The remaining Cullens let out a sigh and Esme smiled widely at Jasper.

"Escargot, hah!" she screeched in delight.

Jasper shot her the: Evil Death Glare of …_DEATH!_

"Hem, hem. I think it was…Rosalie who went next?" Carlisle said calmly.

Rosalie smiled and danced into the kitchen, shoving them all out of it.

Minutes later, Rosalie called them in.

Bella entered the kitchen slowly hiding behind Edward, not at all excited to taste another Cullen treat.

"Don't be silly, Bella dear!" Rosalie said, pushing through the other Cullens to grab Bella's arm. She dragged her into the middle of the kitchen and the human girl's mouth fell open.

There, stacked upon the spotless kitchen counter, were about two dozen cupcakes and three large pink cakes. A number of red and white candles lined the edges of the counter.

Rosalie smiled wickedly. "Dig in Bella, it's all for you!"

Bella didn't need any other encouragement. All thoughts of previous Cullen cooking encounters fled her mind as she reached out and stuffed three cupcakes in her mouth simultaneously. Frosting smeared across her face as she grabbed handfuls of cake and shoved them in as well.

A few minutes later, Bella was full as she could be as she lay on the floor, leaning against the counter and groaning.

"Rosalie wins." She mumbled, licking her frosting covered hands.

"Tchah!" Rosalie said in triumph as she 'pumped her fist' in the air victoriously.

"That's not fair! She hasn't even tasted my cooking!" Emmett cried and Alice and Edward nodded in agreement.

"Mmmmm…" Bella mumbled, "No more…"

Jasper was glaring evilly at Rosalie from across the room, his eyes once again dark like midnight. He scanned the room and then broke into a wide smile.

"You forgot to hide the evidence, Rosalie, sweet sister." He said crossing the kitchen in three large strides and picking up a…

Large pink box of cuteness!

The Cullens let out audible gasps of awe. Rosalie shifted uncomfortably. Bella groaned.

Jasper paced in front of the group of Cullens- and Bella (who was on the floor clutching her stomach), much like a testi-whoozit at court.

"Rosalie, where were you in the few minutes while we were waiting for you to present your baked goods?"

The beautiful blonde vampire gulped, and whispered something inaudible even to the vampire ears, but sounded quite a bit like _mimblewumble_.

"Louder, if you will." Jasper smiled.

"I said, 'I went to the market!'." Rosalie very nearly yelled.

Jasper Smiley Face.

The Cullens gasped again, this time in utter surprise.

Edward pointed at Rosalie, "A cheater amongst us!"

"Huzzah!" The Cullens cried, pulling their handy dandy pitchforks from their back pockets and lighting their torches.

Bella pulled out her evil rabid toothpick wanting to join in the fun, but Edward plucked it from her hand.

"We don't want you to get too carried away." He said, throwing the dangerous piece of minuscule wood into the nearest trash can.

The Cullens spent the next few minutes chasing Rosalie around the house and throwing Esme's leftover squishy cakes at her…

Then the Bake-Off continued!

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**A/N: Yaay! Excitement! The last line was kind of cheesy. Aah well, that's my middle name... okay that was just dumb. **

**Mmmhmm... Well, 10 reviews and I shall, most definitely, have another chapter posted **


	5. Author's Note

**Author's Note:**

**Okay. To start off, I am so sorry (begging mercy at the hands of you lovely readers) for making you think this was an update. Because it's not. It's an Author's Note, as you can tell from the underlined words... up thurr. **

**Next...ly, I am apologizing profusely for my lack of update in A WHOLE FRIKKIN' MONTH! I know!!! It's terrible, but because of the snow, the internet exploded and it didn't work for forever, although I still finished 2 more chapters so that's good. **

**But they need their finishing touches added and all that. I'm really busy lately, plus I need my rest and relaxation time. BUT I love writing this story and I love getting reviews from everyone:**

**BTW: Thanks for all the reviews **

**Anyway, I'm totally gonna update sometime in this week and from then on it will definitely NOT be a month between chapters; I swear (scout's honor sign).**

**But, for anyone who hasn't read "An Excess of Jello" (one of my other stories); you should. Because there's a little bit from that story coming up in the next chapter or maybe the one after that, I can't remember. **

**A profusely Apologizing RainxxChimes.**

** 3 3 3 -heart-heart- squiggle- smiley face-  
**


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